TO TABLE OF
By Nan Talbot
Most persons with CFIDS (PWCs) should
be able to empathize with the
befuddled character in this story. It seems most of us are on a never-ending quest to find a cure, trying
many legitimate treatments along with some that are a bit far out. The character featured in "Dear diary"
is desperate, indeed, drifting from religion to religion, "cure" after "cure."
Dear Diary, decided to
go all out and rid myself of the demon CFIDS once and for all. Moved into pyramidal-shaped house to pick
up positive vibes from the universe.
9:45 Went to health
food store and stocked up
on vitamins, minerals, herbs and organic food, including a humongous bag of sprouts. Picked up chocolate
milk (all natural) to wash down the sprouts, grabbed an aromatherapy kit and headed, unsteadily, to the
10:15 Stopped at New
Age R Us Megastore, bought crystals,
magnets, incense, unicorn charms and new age CDs.
11:30 Arrived home.
Saw an ad in the paper for a little
zappy device guaranteed to put an end to pain. Ordered three. Exhausted. Put new age CD into player and
crashed on couch.
12:45 Totally relaxed.
Munched on some celery, then
followed up with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Triple Fudge Chocolate Chip left over from last week’s ice
cream diet. Strategically hung unicorns and crystals throughout the house, stuck one in my navel and another
up my right nostril for good measure.
4:00 Stuffed 50 magnets
into pillow and flopped into
bed for a nap.
4:45 Monster headache--magnets
too hard and awoke
with head pointing due North.
7:30 Aromatherapy time.
Lit several candles, dabbed
a different healing fragrance between each toe and hung another crystal around my neck. Attempted, without
much success, to assume the lotus position. Opted for recliner instead. LET THE HEALING BEGIN!
8:15 Managed to crawl
to phone to dial 911. Violent
allergic reaction to aromatic "healing" fragrances. Spent night in hospital.
Released from hospital.
Decided it was time to tap into some spiritual energy. Went to Catholic church, said a prayer, then confessed
I was an idiot for trying the aromatherapy thing.
10:15 Visited Baptist
church. Very uplifting experience--comforting
to know that I’m saved.
Noon Stomach upset from
all that organic food. Lunch
12:45 Consulted a rabbi.
Can’t hurt to cover all bases.
1:45 Drove past
a Buddhist monastery. Stopped
to listen to the monks as they chanted. Very soothing; must try.
3:00 Back home.
Lit a candle (unscented), meditated,
said another prayer and fell into a deep sleep. Remembered to remove magnets from pillow first.
5:15 Awoke, looked
out window and saw bald teen-ager
selling flowers on street corner. Invited the girl in, offered some organic veggies. While she was grazing
on sprouts, called Uncle Henry, who moonlights as a deprogrammer when business is slow at the bait shop.
He rushed over and nabbed the girl. Never thought I’d hear such language from a flower-toting, bald girl.
I need to meditate some more.
9:10 Lit some
candles and incense to soothe
my spirits. Blast! The girl at New Age R Us promised the stuff had a very light fragrance. Crawled to
phone, knocking several candles over in the process. Dialed 911. Croaked for the fire department as well
as the paramedics. Spent night in hospital.
A.M. Released from hospital.
Thank goodness we have an efficient fire department. Decided to consult healers.
Noon Had a CFIDS brain
fart; couldn’t remember the
locations of any restaurants, so skipped lunch. Spied sign proclaiming, "NATURAL HEALER: LET LAURA FIX
YOUR AURA." Decided perhaps I needed my aura adjusted. The aura lady waggled her fingers over my body,
never touching, muttering, "I’ve never seen a more troubled aura." One hour and $500 later, she assured
me my aura was once again intact.
1:15 Saw medical
doctor. After much poking and
bloodletting, was sent on my way with a brand new drug, strains of that Huey Lewis tune banging away in
my brain. This one will cure me for sure.
3:00 Took new
pill; felt a bit dizzy afterwards,
but figured I’d get used to it.
4:05 My acupuncturist
allowed a new student
to practice on me for the first time. Nimrod student winced as he jabbed needles into my pitiful torso;
was following a strange looking chart which stated "You Are Here." Doctor became incensed when he realized
the near-sighted student was holding a diagram of the local mall. Student was awarded an F and sent to
an optometrist. Doctor removed needles and started over.
5:30 Home at last,
spine realigned, aura adjusted
and bodily meridians zinging in harmony. Swallowed 50 vitamin, mineral and herbal supplements, topped
off with another of those new pills.
shaking and gasping for air,
crawled to the phone. Dialed 911. They knew the way. Spent night in hospital.
A.M. Doctor unsure whether
allergic reaction due to new pill or supplements. Released from hospital.
9:35 Arrived home
just as UPS truck pulled into
driveway. Eagerly tore open the package containing my new zappy things. I tested one--felt like 20,000
volts of pure power against my skin. Experiencing intense pain in my back and big toe, I zapped that toe
about 40 times until it hurt so badly I forgot the pain in my back. It worked!
11:00 Exhausted, weak,
off balance, muddle-headed
and wheezing, I dumped all the crystals, magnets, unicorns, candles, rocks and incense into a garbage
bag and paid the neighbor kid to haul it to the curb. I fed the rest of the sprouts to the dog and called
my real estate agent to put this pyramidal nightmare of a house on the market. Me and my zappy things
will be heading South. I hear there’s healing hot springs down there. Got to give ’em a try.
Nan Talbot lives in Fulton, Ill.