RETURN TO TABLE OF CONTENTS
Summer 2003 

Keeping it Real: Self-Talk for CFIDS
By Gail Caissey, EdD

CFIDS is a difficult illness to live with because there’s so much negativity associated with it. Having to continuously and simultaneously deal with debilitation, ongoing losses and lifestyle restrictions — plus physical pain and mental distress — can certainly be demoralizing.

Because the potential for depression and despair is never far away, it’s essential that people with CFIDS (PWCs) keep their spirits up by finding ways to mentally cope with the illness. One of the most effective ways to do this is by developing a positive attitude and using appropriate self-talk to control negative thoughts. This is not about Pollyanna, pie-in-the-sky thinking. It’s about developing realistic thoughts and responses to situations that we face every day.

Talk to yourself the right way
When people encounter a situation, they mentally evaluate it and instruct themselves how to feel about it using a silent inner voice. This is self-talk. People can talk to themselves positively about an event or negatively about it.

There is a direct relationship between how people think and how they feel. If they think positive thoughts, they feel positive emotions. If they think negative thoughts, they feel negative emotions. Similarly, if people interpret an event in a positive light, they will have positive thoughts about it, which in turn will generate positive emotions and feelings.

It is not the occurrence of an event that causes people to feel a certain way about it. It’s what people tell themselves about the event, or the way they interpret it, that determines how they will feel and react to it. While we don’t always have control over what happens to us, we do have control over our thoughts and feelings about what happens to us.

Positive means realistic
Positive thinkers have a hopeful attitude about the future, but their thinking is accurate and realistic. Having a positive attitude means trying to make the best of every situation as it happens. While positive thinkers recognize and acknowledge the negative aspects of a situation or event, they do not dwell on them. Rather, they look for the positive aspects or the good that can come from negative situations — even if it’s the fact that things can’t get any worse.

Simply thinking or saying the words that everything will be OK when in reality things are not isn’t positive thinking. Idealistic, wishful thinking and mindless optimism aren’t, either. People engaging in this type of behavior are not coping realistically with a situation. Rather, they are deluding themselves into thinking that things will work out simply by telling themselves that they will.

Positive thinkers may not like the circumstances they find themselves in, but they recognize that they can handle things as they are. Because positive thinkers are realistic thinkers, they know that things aren’t going to go well all of the time, and they don’t expect them to.

Positive thinking and positive self-talk go hand in hand. One is used to achieve the other. Developing a positive attitude about life, including a life with CFIDS, can make a tremendous difference in how you experience it. While it won’t make the illness go away, it can help you deal with daily difficulties and help keep spirits up, hope alive and despair at bay. Best of all, it’s something you can tap into and use any time, anywhere.

Putting it together
Positive self-talk can be used in a variety of circumstances associated with CFIDS. Here are three examples:

Nixing negative thoughts.
Instead of saying: “I feel awful. I hate being sick. I can’t stand it. I’m never going to get better,” say: “Looks like I’m having another bad day. That’s what happens when you have CFIDS . There’s no use getting upset. I don’t like it but I can handle it. I’ve handled bad days before and I can handle this one, too.”

I find it useful to apply the One-Third Principle here. I know I’ll have bad days (weeks, months) about one-third of the time, good days a third of the time and neutral days a third of the time. The fact that I’m having a bad day today means that I’m getting another bad one over with, and that I’m closer to having a good or neutral day. I have planned how I’m going to make it easier for myself on a bad day — so now that it’s here, I’m going to follow those plans and get through it as best I can. Tomorrow is another day.

Easing anxiety.
Instead of saying: “There it goes again! My heart is racing faster and faster! What if it doesn’t stop,” say: “It looks like my heart is racing again. Well, I’m going to lie down, stay calm and not panic to help keep it under control. Then I’m going to wait it out. It usually only lasts for about 10 minutes, so it will probably do the same this time. In the meantime, I’ll count to 1,000 to distract myself. If my symptoms get very bad, my doctor told me what to do (call 9-1-1).”

Alleviating stress.
Instead of saying: “Oh no! My son’s birthday party is tonight and I can’t function. How am I going to prepare? I’m going to disappoint my son. What a bad mother I am. I hate CFIDS,” say: “I don’t feel well at all but I’ve done what I could in advance to prepare. My family knows I have this illness, so when they come over, I’ll apologize for not feeling well and ask them to help. I’ll call my sister now and ask if she can pick up the birthday cake. I’m disappointed that I won’t be able to participate much but at least my son will have his birthday party and he’ll be happy about that. Now I’m going to lay here and rest. Who knows? — I might feel better in a few hours.”

In each example, you’re accepting the reality of your circumstances. You’re not pretending that nothing is wrong. You’re dealing with difficulties realistically and practically and making the best of things as they are. Most importantly, you are not allowing yourself to be consumed by negative thoughts.

We all have times when it is difficult to be positive. But if we can keep those moments to a minimum by using positive self-talk and having a positive attitude, we can live more comfortable, less stressful lives while maintaining a sense of hope for the future. Even though it is not always easy to have a positive attitude with CFIDS, when you consider the alternatives — depression, despair and hopelessness — the choice is easy to make.

Gail Caissy, EdD, is a PWC who lives in Clarence, N.Y. She is author of “Unlock the Fear: How to Open Yourself Up to Face and Accept Change” (Perseus Books, 1998).