CFIDS Profiles: Sandy Becker

Hard-Fought Battles and Little Girl Dreams

By Sandy Becker

Originally published in CFIDS Youth Alliance News, Fall 1995

Within my body, a battle ensues. The battle is between mind & body, struggling with the harsh realities of CFIDS and the heart & soul, very much alive and trying to find their place-a safe place.

On paper, I'm almost 22 years old. On paper, I'm quite grown up. But, in my heart, I'm still a feisty, fiercely independent 17-year-old girl, with lofty ambitions-ready to take on the world. In my heart, I carry little-girl dreams of a beautiful wedding, a loving husband, a quaint home, swarms of children at my feet and a photography business I'll own and operate myself.

In my heart, time stands still-no one ages, nothing changes. My heart waits for life to continue, for dreams to come true. In my mind, I know it's 1995. My mind is all too aware of the many struggles I've endured-the days when mere seconds have felt like years-and minutes, like centuries.

In my heart lies the frustration with doctors who see and hear a mature, well-versed young lady and seem to forget, all too soon, that I'm just a kid. A frustration with the health profession for not knowing what to do with me-how to help me. In my mind lies the frustration with myself for not possessing enough knowledge to determine exactly what I'm fighting and what more I can do to help myself. A frustration and apprehension about the uncertainty that is tomorrow.

I have two opposing forces within me. One offers wisdom and guides me through every decision. The other offers the faith and inner strength that help me cope. Together, these forces continue to offer me patience, hope and courage, as I move forward in my battle with CFIDS. and I am grateful.

Sandy is publisher and editor of the newsletter "The CFIDS Advocate" in Ann Arbor, MI. She enjoys playing her piano, listening to all types of music, taking photographs and doing calculus problems. She looks forward to attending Kent State University as soon as she is able.