The Life of a Person With CFIDS

By Abby Gengozian

Originally published in Youth Allied By CFIDS, Spring 1997

I have an illness that isn’t shown on the outside

It’s called chronic fatigue and immune dysfunction syndrome

The name implies I am just tired

It’s much more devastating than that

It’s a hopelessness that doesn’t go away even with medication

It’s a lingering exhaustion that refuses to cease

It’s the feeling after a rough day that the only thing needed is rest

Rest doesn’t come

It’s knowing that I can’t do the things I used to do easily

Like climb steps without being winded

Or spend a day with friends at the mall

Everything is an effort, sometimes I’m at a loss

It’s the disappearance of a dream

A dream of being healthy enough to be in the Olympics

Representing my country in a sport I live for

Now that dream is a vague memory

I struggle day after day, praying for a miracle

A miracle doesn’t come

It’s hard to explain the illness to people because they don’t understand

They don’t believe in something that is not on the news all the time

They don’t believe me because I seem normal

Normality is gone

Why or how I got this damn disease is unclear

I wonder why it picked me to wreak its havoc on

Why a straight-A student, an athlete, a good, decent person

Why would something want to destroy me and my parents

Why

The answers may never come

I find solace every day in the hope that a cure may be found

I have learned a lot about myself, my true self thanks to CFIDS

I wouldn’t trade that for anything

One day I know that I will laugh in the face of this illness

Knowing that I have beat it

That I have overcome its relentless, powerful grip

I will win some day

I will win

Abby Gengozian, a PWC from Alabama, was a state champion soccer goalkeeper prior to CFS. She is still part of the game through going to matches and coaching.