Why Have Family Meetings?

By Sharron Fishman, MA, LPC, Portland, Oregon

Originally published in The CFIDS Chronicle, Spring 1992

CFIDS has altered our lives in many ways, including how our family systems function. We have had to become reliant and even dependent on the help of others. We and our close family members and friends are all undergoing emotional as well as functional upheavals.

For example, when I first had to stop working, I became extremely isolated and depended on my husband for a great deal of emotional support. Meanwhile, he put tremendous energy into building his business. His extended time of working was primarily a financial necessity, now that I was no longer working, but it also was his way of escaping at times. We have had to communicate very well and often in order to adjust to these mega-changes in our lifestyles and interactions.

Both of our sons were grown, but they also had to adjust to this different me, and I to how they related to me as they adjusted. We touched in with each other enough to keep our role definitions clarified. I felt supported and supportive of them. Our meetings were not always formal, but our attempts to communicate needed an initiator. That was still my role. You might need to establish an initiator.

What To Do
You might consider how formal you want to make the process, but I do encourage you to set up times to meet with those who comprise your family. Also write up some guidelines you can all agree to in order to facilitate good communication practices and follow those guidelines. Consider how meetings will be scheduled, who will chair the meeting (or whether you need a chair), how often they will occur, what rules you want about making the time safe and respectful for everyone involved. Some absolute rules should be as follows:

• Everyone gets a turn to talk without interruption.
• Use "I" statements when discussing feelings instead of blaming type statements, i.e., "I feel sad when you seem so distant," instead of "You never talk to me anymore."
• When people share feelings, accept and validate them. Feelings are not right or wrong.
• Avoid sarcastic remarks or put downs.
• Clarify what you heard from each other. "So you feel bad about Dad not being able to play ball or coach anymore."
• Make realistic plans for how to handle situations. "I can't attend all games, but on good days I'll try to be there, and you can bet I'll listen to you tell me all about it."
  

Families Vary
Each person has different living and family situations; some of us are single; some are married; some are single with children; some find our major relationships with members of our extended families and/or close friends. Use what is pertinent to your situation from this information. The principles apply to whatever your particular relationship is. For example, if you are married with children, it is recommended to first meet as a couple, then another time to meet with your children. If you are a single parent, you might find that you just want to meet with the older child/children first. If you are living alone, but have close relationships, you might find that a weekly check-in time makes things work more smoothly.

Reasons To Meet & Plan On A Regular Basis
Roles need to be redefined in terms of expectations of each other. A meeting provides a forum with clear guidelines which will allow each person to share perceptions, wants, and gain understanding from the other.

• A family meeting affords each member a safe time and place to discuss feelings, whether they're about themselves or you. Open channels of communication are a factor of a healthy family and contribute to the health of each member.
• Each week check-in on how things are going. A scheduled meeting provides a place to process problems without the emotion of the moment, when things not going well might get in the way.
• Management of the illness often necessitates careful planning in terms of schedules. A weekly meeting eliminates the surprise element when it comes time for another member to drive you to the doctor, take a turn with childcare, or assist in other ways. This works in reverse as well. If you wish to do something for someone in the family, you can schedule accordingly.
• Often illness, pain and flareups can absorb the chronically ill person, causing him/her to lose touch. A family meeting is the perfect way to catch up on the doings of the other members.
  

Summary
Dilemmas faced by families dealing with CFIDS need special problem solving, whether it's finances, moving to a more adequate or affordable home, caretaking issues, or processing of feelings. A set weekly time might need to be moved or rescheduled, but by staying with the planned meeting time, such dilemmas can be dealt with before they become over-whelming. You will find other reasons why it helps to have these times. A basis for good health is to maintain an environment as free of stress as possible. Wellness can be maintained within an illness if there is a safe way to express thoughts and feelings and practice all the ways to manage your situation. The family meeting is one such tool.