Sharing My Story: A Challenge I Faced

For Siblings of CFIDS Kids (SOCKs)

By Tara Hardinge

This edition’s SOCK Drawer comes from Tara Hardinge, whose sister Lara has had CFIDS for four years. Tara’s story is so similar to my own that I am eager to share it with all of you. —Katie Moore, Coordinator, The SOCK Drawer

In mid-October I was informed that I had to write an essay for my college applications. As soon as I read the topic, "a challenge you faced and how you responded," I knew that I was going to write about CFIDS. I began my essay by describing the story of how my sister first became ill. In the paragraphs following, I dealt with my feelings and experiences as a SOCK (sibling of a CFIDS kid). I would like to share that portion of my essay with you:

When hearing this story, many people are so caught up in feeling sympathetic for my sister that they forget to stop and think about how this has affected me. This has greatly affected my life. When she first got sick, everyone showered her with gifts and attention while they left me standing in the back like an old, discarded toy. I felt left out, and whenever I would tell someone how I felt, I was told not to talk about it because it would upset her. I was forced to keep everything inside and to watch whatever I said around my sister. Through her hard times I would become her nurse. I would get her a drink when she was thirsty or something from her room when she needed it. My family stopped our summer vacations because she wasn’t up to them. Many times I had to give up doing things with my friends because I had to stay home and baby-sit my teenage sister.

I also became very worried about my sister. Every night I was and still am haunted by the same dream. In it, I would wake up one day to find out that my sister had successfully committed suicide. Many nights I would cry myself to sleep because seeing her in so much pain was too hard for me. I also felt guilty. Why did it happen to her? What if it was me who was supposed to get sick? I felt bad that I didn’t know much about what was going on with her. I went through so many emotions that I, too, fell into the bottomless pit of depression.

Despite all of the hardships I have endured, I feel that there have been some happy outcomes. My sister and I are best friends. The support I have received from writing other SOCKs has really helped me get through all of the hard times. This has made me a stronger person. I have also learned not to take my health for granted. I now treasure every moment that I get to spend with my family and friends!

When I wrote this essay I was using pure emotion. I surrounded myself with CFIDS information, including Lara’s medical history and her story that Mom had written. As I wrote it I cried. A lot of what I had read was painful, early memories of when she first got sick. I had somehow pushed them back and tried very successfully to forget them. I’m rarely proud of what I write, but this is one of those times.